@JasonLastname: If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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@SamuelHLowe: When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.
@HousewifeOfHell: The Good News: My doctor says I'm healthy as a horse. The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
@TheDailySchmuck: Black Super Mario *Jumps on mushroom* *Throws fireball at turtle* *Slides down sewer pipe* *Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*