If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Ah yes. The three genders
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other