If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
concern
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”