Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
You Might Also Like
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
🤣🤣🤣
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.