@ChiefTwittler: If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
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@SamGrittner: You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
@AGreaterMonster: LOL at the neighbor kids who didn't realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Friend: Can you give me a ride? Me: I'll give your MOM a ride! [Later] Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?