@ChiefTwittler: If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
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@ibid78: Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner's moves. You're gonna sacrifice some horses
@WarrenHolstein: Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God's plan. God must not like her very much.
@StarksWeek: Me: "you hang up" Her: "no you hang up" Me: "no you hang up" Her: "no y-" Jail clerk: "sir, you only get one phone call."
@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.