*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
me hooking up with my ex
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.