I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
This dude got his own movie?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
i love modern commerce
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone