I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?