If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup