Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
You have been warned.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.