If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.