@TheOneTrueDisco: If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn't at work.
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@GayAtHomeDad: When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.
@GABBYdaAngSaya: [Bookstore] Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book* Cashier: How old is your daughter? Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
@AHundredElbows: [home late] Where were you? "Uh, with my.. gf?" Gf? Well, tell us about her! What's her name? [commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota