My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings