@gwatts77: If I donate blood and you're in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don't blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
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@Douchekevin: When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.
@GrantTanaka: [playing hide and seek] daughter: WHAT IS LOVE [silence] daughter: WHAT IS LOVE [silence] daughter: WHAT IS L- me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
@DBMaxP: Who said losing weight was difficult? "Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?"
@pleatedjeans: I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies