If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
You Might Also Like
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?