If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
You Might Also Like
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“I wouldn’t.”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.