JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My safe word is Worcestershire
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.