If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon