If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
kitchen magnet
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend