If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
the saddest jazz hands ever
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article