If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Meow
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
OH. COME. ON.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.