“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.