@ZingingCutie: If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I'm charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
@ShesARealGenius: Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c'mere Me: Don't come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
@web_supergirl: coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn't work here because people that are on fire can't work.
@londonlass666: This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me.