If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”