If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls