@MisterRots: If I ever become a ghost, no way I'm haunting some abandoned building. I'm finding the nearest lingerie store and setting up shop there
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@sip_at_home_mom: Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling "Ta-da!" so he won't get in trouble. Stealing it.
@ericsshadow: [wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
@hookmeupinit: Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto "ah-ha-ha-ha-" intro to Stayin' Alive
@theguydf: It's 2014 and somehow we still don't have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.