If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.