How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .