GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
You Might Also Like
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage