If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”