If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale