Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
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[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.