If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Happy weekend !
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking