If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
huge if true: the moon
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.