If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Aaaa…CHOO!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters