If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
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Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My blood type is b hungry.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call