If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child