If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

@SteveSuckington: [2 guys at open mic night] What are we gonna name our band? [from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO *they look at each other*

4

@BruceForce: Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

102

@KentWGraham: Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

1

@brianbowman73: Sorry I said your cat was ugly. Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

133

@DanMentos: “I’ll have a rum and coke” Is pepsi ok? “Sure whatever” *hands you a pepsi and coke*

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