@NYC_Blonde: If I ever get a dog I'm going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
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@ValeeGrrl: Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.
@Douchekevin: At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that's not my wifes phone number at all. She's zero fun today
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Where are you going? Me: I'm wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I'm off to fight crime