If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
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new year update: losing everything but weight
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.