If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..