[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
You Might Also Like
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.