If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
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January has been Januweary
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
The struggle is real.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”