If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
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oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I have a new favorite meme page
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
In case you needed to hear it:
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.