Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks