if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
When life hands you women, make women laid.