@RealDMK: If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
@3Snowbee3: I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.
@ChaseLori: Only people who've walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.
@birbigs: I went to confession and the priest said, "pics or it didn't happen."
@david8hughes: [baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
@kumailn: "Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops." - Game of Thrones