If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
You Might Also Like
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Great acting.. 😂
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.