@OnceUponALiz: If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again.
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@thatUPSdude: Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting? "hey I'm taking a shit but come on in and join me"
@GrabTheWEness: *posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.