Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
ibopfufen
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!