Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Was it something I said?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: