@Mr_goose007: If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.
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@KrunkedRobot: Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.
@PaperWash: if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
@okayestgoalie76: Me: "Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks" Siri: "the addiction hotline is..." Me: "no, I said...." Siri: "Oh, I heard you!"
@TheCiscoKidder: Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can't see them anymore.