First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
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I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“I FIXED IT!”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.