@jackiembouvier: If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in restroom reading phone* *opens stall door & starts peeing* Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE...
@Sorrowscopes: Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you're dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
@drankturpentine: ME: *releases kraken* KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back* ME: go on you big dummy, get, go