If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
You better watch out
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.