If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Reporter: *ports again*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
i was baptized in a car wash
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.