@LindseyEllison2: If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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@MarlonBrandNO: [DATE] ME: I'm a literature buff HER: who do you read? ME: read? *cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
@lovemydogduck: Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween... best hate sex we ever had.